I can text with my tongue
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
