what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
