did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just tell him i said nine months
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
