Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
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Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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