Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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