Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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