i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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