and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
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I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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