I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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