Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
