Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
