ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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