Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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