I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
