there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
