hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
