Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
