If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
