He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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