I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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