We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
