I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
