Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
