Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
