My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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