I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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