you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
