turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
