explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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