Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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