Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
