he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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