The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
