I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
