dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
