Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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