What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
