we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
