I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
