Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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