The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
