Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
