AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment