Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up