You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?