last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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