the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
