the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
