i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
