You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think my moral compass just broke
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
