So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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