That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
