3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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