He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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