We need to rekindle our bromance
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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