When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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